I’m Scared

Mostly, I feel excited. But at night when I’m trying to fall asleep, or when I’m sitting in my car waiting for the light to turn green, I start to worry.

In preparation for my trip, I created an independent research class (with some much needed help from friends and coworkers) at my school. One of my assignments was to read a book of poems by Jacqueline Moulton called, The Day I Was Too Afraid to Jump Off the Highdive, and write multiple response papers about my own fears. I love love this book. It challenged me to be honest about large and small things that I am scared of, and how to live in the midst of those fears.

One of the poems simply listed the writer’s fears. I chose to do this and write out what I honestly worry about on a daily, monthly, yearly basis. So, here are some of my concerns for this trip.

I am afraid of…

running out of money

becoming so lonely that I shut down internally and become depressed

my allergies being so out of control, that I have a constant headache and foggy brain

not making any friends

hating the places where I stay

feeling constantly stressed about making decisions in unfamiliar situations

needing thyroid medication and not having it

choosing the wrong clothes to take

taking too many clothes

taking too few clothes

all my underwear being dirty with no place to wash them. Seriously, what then?

the electronic visa not working

sitting on an airplane for 12 hours and not sleeping a wink

spending Christmas away from my family

having the most boring adventure that was ever to be had

people reading my blog

nobody caring that I’m gone

using a hiking backpack as my luggage (it is so inconvenient to get stuff in and out)

being the exact same person when I come back as when I left.

This is a non-exhaustive list, some concerns are dumb, some unrealistic, and some will no doubt happen. I want to be prepared, and I know I can’t control everything in advance. I love this, and I hate it.

T minus 16 days.