Coming back home to Washington has been difficult. I thought it would be, and I was right…bummer. It would be nice if I could make sense of all my confusion and frustration with being back, but everything feels so muddled. At first, I felt so shattered like I was a piece of glass that was broken into a million (more like hundred, but that doesn’t roll off the tongue quite the same way) pieces. All these pieces were laying on the floor together, but I wasn’t able to collect them together. I was just aware that I was broken. Not beyond repair or anything dramatic like that. Almost like an accident when you are dazed, and know you should get up but all you can do is lie there and look around and figure out who you are and what happened. People want to talk to you, to make sure you are okay and they are relieved you are alive, but all you can do is look at them. You aren’t excited to be alive or to see them, you don’t know if you are okay, and you don’t know what to do next. You are just there. Present and accounted for, as I like to say.
Thankfully, my friends and family have been extremely gracious. It’s like they know me or something. People have reached out to me, but haven’t overwhelmed me with questions. Most let me know they would love to see me when I’m ready and hear abut my travels, but don’t push to set a date and time. Thank you. Giving me space to inch my way back into life here has been the kindest thing you could do for me.
I had hoped to come back revived, ready to settle down, and get started on my career. Instead, I feel more lost than ever, and confused about what my next steps will be. I miss swimming and sunshine and adventure and writing in my blog. Slowly decisions have been made though, and different plans have come to the surface. Some basic pieces of my shattered glass are coming together. I’m not satisfied or sure of how I will proceed in the next months or years, I like to be prepared and have a plan, but right now I’m shooting from the hip. I will start working in the next couple of weeks at a job I’m excited about, which is a small miracle. The sun is starting to shine more and with it I’m starting to smile more. So, there are many things to be grateful for.
I’m alive, I’m breathing, and I’m starting to pull myself back together.